On friday I had one of those horrendously bad days that leaves you feeling utterly incompetent, and wondering if you have what it takes to carry out your job.
I have a patient, a very sweet elderly lady, who is in quite frequently not feeling well. And justifiably not feeling well - she's sort of got a bit of everything. So I wasn't surprised to see her added on to my morning. But when I went in to chat with her, she had hit a new low. I was really worried and thought she might have developed blood clots in her lungs. So in my young doctor enthusiam - I rushed to get her tested. I had her taken to the hospital, did tests and xrays, and then brought back to the clinic to wait for the results. It took ages, the hospital lost her blood, then found it mislabeled, then we fought about running the tests. It was just a bad scene all around. And finally after 4 hours the results came back positive.
So what do we do now? Good question...because at that point, after 4 hours, multiple tests, being wheeled all over hells half acre, and not having a bite of lunch....it occurred to me that I couldn't treat her. She was already ON the treatment I would have given her. I totally lost sight of the long term plan! I was so eager to follow the tidy little flowchart in my head of how to work up these symptoms!
And to make matters worse...as she left the office she said - "you know, I think I'm going to go soon. It's ok. I know its coming". *shocked silence* I nearly cried right there on the spot. This sweet lady knows her time is near, and I wasted her day, tired her out, starved her half to death, to do nothing at all in the end. I felt like the biggest schmuck.
The whole rest of the day was a continuation of that Gong Show - always behind, notes not done, abrasive patients, and I was just completely off my game.
So I came home to sit on my floor and cry. I read my Physician's oath...about doing no harm...and God rained with me while I sobbed.
Pamela
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