Secret Keeper

One of the coolest things about being a doctor is that people tell you their secrets. They entrust you with some of the deep dark stuff about their lives and you just get to know all these people's secrets! You don't do anything with it, of course, but its neat to know anyway. At first its almost an intoxicating feeling that when you ask people questions - no matter how personal - they tend to answer it!

But some days - secret keeping sucks. Sometimes someone tells you a secret that is actually so rotten you can't keep it a secret....and on those horrible days you have to call children's aid. Those days suck. Those days break my heart, and leave me weeping quietly at my dining room table. Weeping for all the brokenness in the world - broken hearts, broken families, broken promises, broken souls. Those days make me wish that I didn't have to ask awkward questions. Or hear horrible answers. Those days make me actually wonder if there is a hell (which on regular days I don't really believe in).

It's true that we put ourselves fully into what we love, and I try to put my whole self into my job everyday, so that I will do the best I can and that my patients will know they are truly cared for. But on "those days"....I don't think I get my whole self back at the end of the clinic. I think a little piece gets eaten off and is gone. I'm not quite sure if it was a piece of innocence, or a piece of happiness, maybe a piece of trust, or belief. But I can feel the empty nauseous gnawing in my gut where the piece must have been, and now is gone.

On most days being a secret keeper is an awesome job and an amazing privilege. But on "those days", being a secret keeper (or rather a secret teller) makes me sick.