Inner fatigue

I just don't think I'm a surgeon at heart. In fact, some days I down right HOPE I am not a surgeon at heart - because I would like to avoid being associated with some of these people! This has been perhaps the most challenging 8 weeks of my life (well....7 weeks, technically I'm not done yet). I have totally lost patience with the 'boys club' atmosphere, and the way they look down on family medicine, and the fact that I feel like a total moron 99% of the time.

Now, in all fairness, it is not the surgeon's fault that I am a moron. There is no one to blame for that but me and my procrastination. But they could have the common courtesy to quiz me on things relevant to the current case or current surgery, as opposed to whatever pops into their head that day! At the very least, it would give me a chance to study the night before and seem remotely prepared. I think I'm starting to feel the tension of getting to the end of med school. I have to know a lot of stuff....really soon....and that is bloody scary. So when they freak out that I dont' know something, I freak out too!

You know those days when you wake up late, rush around, get stuck in traffic, mess up at work, have to eat crappy cafeteria food because you didn't have time to make a lunch, get home late, realize you still have no food, and no clean dishes, and no clean laundry and you think - how did everything get away on me like this today?! That has been my life for 7 weeks straight! Actually...for the most part that has been my life for almost a year. And I'm tired.

I think I'm tired on a whole new level. The physical tired doesn't even bother me anymore. It's the mental tired that is wearing me down. I'm tired of making mistakes at work, and with friends, and in relationships. As soon as I make one mistake, I get so flustered and frustrated that a make a million more. Nothing I try to say seems to come across the way I meant it, and nothing I do works out how I intended. It's a gong show around here! If I could step back and watch my own life unfolding - I would laugh until my stomach ached.

I'm not sad, not in the least, but I really am tired.

Lots of love
Pamela

Currently listening to: Counting Crows
Currently reading: my residency application
Currently dreaming of: May 18th 2007...and maybe March 14th too