Someone died today and I couldn't fix it. I panicked when I heard the ambulance call come through because just this morning I had complained that I never get to see any codes (read: cardiac arrests). I willed it not to be true. I fought with all my medical knowledge and with all my heart and prayers to make it better. We tried. We tried so hard because they were too young. But in the end the words rang hollow through the room - We have very sad news for you today, their heart had stopped and although we tried everything, we could not get it to start again.
I drove home in silence. It didn't feel right to sing to the radio like I usually do. There will be a time to be joyful and to celebrate the wonderful life that was...but this is not yet that time. This is the time for their sobbing and wailing and frustration and disbelief and hurt and my complete and heartfelt apology for ever wishing to have a code.
It is a very awkward position that I have to 'hope' to see all these things while I am in training, so that I will be confident and knowledgeable to handle them when I am out on my own. I would never wish this on anyone. I would not wish the anguish I saw in their spouse's face, or the hysterical hyperventilating crying of their children. I would not wish the solemn, sleeve-hidden weeping of their brothers, or the void of waking up tomorrow with one less family member in the house.
I am so sorry for your loss.
I hear ya. I wonder if families know how much these things hit us.
ReplyDeleteI remember in psychology, they taught us that any time someone dies when you do everything in your power to save them that it's not your fault and that you can never be fully responsible for another person's life. I don't know how well that trasfers into the much harder world of doctors but I hope it doesn't resonate as emptily as I feel it does.
ReplyDeleteIf it makes you feel better, you are the bestest best sister in the whole wide world and you have family members, who aren't really family but are really really really family, more so than family is even and we love you no matter what.
Usually I would think this through and write a comment at a time when I'm less tired and more likely to formulate my response in a better way, but I felt that speed was of the essense and I couldn't turn down a moment where I could remind you that I love you.
Penguins.